Guilt Vs. Shame

We talk a lot about guilt and shame in therapy. Brenee Brown has even created multiple books and talks addressing the impact that shame has on us. However, for those who either have not come across her amazing work, or who still find themselves unable to differentiate betwen the two, I'd like to separate them here.

Guilt is how I feel about what I did, said, thought, etc. Synonymous with regret.

Guilt says "I made a mistake". Period.

Shame is how I feel about my person, who I am, myself, as a result of what happened.

Shame says "I made a mistake, THEREFORE, I am a mistake".

This progression of guilt into shame can happen so easily. A simple example is a High Schooler scratching their parent's car and feeling guilt over how it will affect their mom and dad. Here, guilt is a healthy and normal result of feeling empathy for their parents. It shows whether or not their actions were in alignment with their values. Should their parents respond appropriately, it might look something like "we know it was an accident and that you didn't mean to do it, and we understand that you can't afford to pay to fix the damages, so how about you do the dishes after dinner for the next month instead. This way, I can relax more after work and be more productive during the day, where I need to make enough money to pay for the repair". The teen is not punished (note the difference bwtween a punishment and a natural consequence), but is included in the process of fixing their mistake. They are given an opportunity to engage in the repair process for both themself and their parents - and the car! The lesson they learn is that making a mistake is normal, and therefore disconnected from who they are as a person, and that the repair process (their ability to fix the mistake) is more reflective of who they are as a person.

However, if their parents respond with "Are you kidding me? You should have known better than that. You need to learn how to care for other people's property instead of only caring about your own", then the teen learns something much less helpful; there is shame. The mistake is no longer just a mistake; it is now a commentary on how others see them. It now tells them something about themself. It says that not only are they not allowed to make mistakes, but that - when they do (and we all do) - it says something negative about their person. It says that they are careless and selfish, even if that was not the truth. In this scenario, even if they remedy the mistake, they are left with the imprint that there is something wrong with them. They have learned that they must now be perfect (and I don't know about you, but if I haven't slept well, you bet that I am going to be making mistakes that I wouldn't usually make).

So, when the person is perceived as the problem - rather than the problem itself (like the damaged car) - the lesson is corrupted and the guilt is morphed into unnecessary shame.

It might be relevant to mention that shame can also develop as toddlers (beginning the moment we can separate the Self from Other), when we see someone we relate to receiving consistent praise or affection that we have not/have rarely received. If a preschooler sees their parent offering more praise to their sibling around their colouring skills, the child will notice the absence of that affection directed towards them. They may not understand why, how to change that, or what it means, but they will notice it nonetheless.

Many adults will assume that they can praise children differently in front of each other, and that these children will automatically understand that NOT being praised for their colouring skill does not mean that they are seen as deficient in some innate way- and that they will be cognizant enough to assume that they will still be guaranteed praise in the future. We expect them to know this even at such an age where they are learning not to eat play-doh or run with sharp objects. Chidren often do not have the mental capacity or reasoning capabilities needed to deduce that just because they are not being praised, does not mean that they are lacking in another skill; that they will understand that it does not mean that their ability to receive praise/affection in the future is jeapordized (if in doubt, please see Jean Piaget's explaination of reasoning across ages). This is especially prevalent when parents reward one child more often than the other (which is common and often unintentional on the parent's part - but I am sure that many people with a sibling can relate to the idea that their parents had a "favourite" child).

What is so bad about shame, you ask? Well, the human mind - like our body - has mechanisms built in to prevent us from harming ourself. Try punching yourself in the face with all of your strength or grinding down on your teeth (awake) with the full might of your jaw. You probably can't. The same goes for our psyche. Feeling deficient is too painful...so the brain develops defense mechanisms instead in order to help us survive it (for a full list, see: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK559106/). These mechanisms bleed into how we interact with others and are the basis for all narcissistic behaviours (in everybody - not just those with NPD). This hurts others, causing the other to feel shame, which creates defense mechanisms in them too, which leads to hurting others, causing the new other to feel shame, which leads to....well...I think you can see the cycle by now. 

If we can break the cycle of shame (by separating our sense of self from our mistakes), then we can break the cycle of pain.